Apology

It is with sadness that I write this. It is said that in life we get thrown many battles and that in all these battles, we always have the choice to engage or disengage.  I find myself in this situation because at some point in time while faced with one extremely important responsibility that only required me to stay present and keep watch, I absconded for a role in an old battle I felt needed my urgent attention. In this day, exactly four years after my daughter was born; four years after I first felt like I had a role in this universe; four years after I felt more importat as a person; four years after I started to look beyond the "I"; four years after I started to look at the world and wonder what contribution have I made to deserve such a beautiful and complete gift; four years after I felt indebted to my community, my blackness and my country; four years after asking myself what name I would like my daughter and others after her to inherit as my children; four years since the birth of my daughter I wonder if all these sacrifices were worth it.

The happiness I felt after seeing and holding my daughter for the first time immidiately after she came out of her mom was beyond me. A supernatural experiece that got me questioning my self worth. To have such an amazing bundle of joy to love and to care for;  to have impregnated and borne a child with such a treasure of a person, a beautiful girl with all the qualities of a loving mother; wisdom, kindness and passion. A caring heart, an extremely attractive apperence and the self-restraint of an angel. A great hand I was dealt,  but I doubted if I deserved it yet.

A sacrifice it was that brought this family of mine great pain.
In my quest to find or give meaning to my life and make myself worthy of such great gifts from above, I had decided three years ago to make a small difference in a community that raised me. I had decided I was going to make a name for myself in this community so that when my daughter explains whose child she is she would ge received with warm hands and told great things about her father. I decided that the little I have to offer would become the difference I have to make and then I could go back to enjoy my divine gift without qualms.

I came to msogwaba uncertain of what it is I could offer this community with merely an undergraute degree in humanities, a willingness to serve and a mission to make myself worthy of God's greatest favours. I approached local schools for an opportunities to obeserve the learners, I  watched them after school as they hung around the streets with nothing to do. I was given an opportunity to speak to the troublesome ones and offer them advice and a chance to be listened to. Kids raised by single parents and others by grandparents. Fathers away to work or just away period. Some fathers have abondoned their kids and now have new families and want nothing to do with this child. Other fathers demanded a no contact relationship with their kids and only offer financial support. It is even more sad for those kids who know who their father is even though he would have nothing to do with them. Others lost their fathers through death and single mothers now struggle to make ends meet. Others are just kids in a community that does not care about the young, no activities,no sports facilities, no play arears and no parks

It was then that I decided Chess would be a great contribution to these kids lives. chess would teach them the importance of following and understanding rules, it would teach them responsibilities and most importantly to think...Just to think! This is crucial in the building of a person's character.

A year after I started teaching them they have already become provincial champions in teams and individual events; they have participated in National Chess Championships on several occassions. As I write this, one of them is due to play in the most prestigious Chess event in the country, that is the SA Closed Championship in Cape Town ; two of them have been invited to play in the SA Junior Closed, a rarity in this region; seven of them have been selected to play at the SA Junior Chess Championships representing their regional age group teams in the top boards. Hundreds of them have now participated in Chess tournaments and even more of them now know how to play Chess. Amazingly, some of the kids I taught in primary are now in high school coaching their own teams continuing to spread Chess throughout the communities.

I have represented their interest in the local federation with great help from other colleagues just so they could have equal opportunities. I did all of this without ever asking anyone for financial remuneration. For three years I have sacrificed my daughters precious time with her daddy just so I could contribute to the development of a community; just so I could help a child of another have a vision, a dream and perhaps a brighter tomorrow.

It may not be enough to change the world, it may not be enough to change a whole community but im sure it was enough to change a few lives. I have a daughter to get back to now. If she was sleeping all along not realising daddy's away, she is close to awakening and I  would like it if she sees me as she opens her eyes.
Her mom, my beautiful angel. My love. I know I have wronged you my dear, I realise how much I  have made you suffer the consequences of my illogical decisions. I have hurt you. I have betrayed you. I  have humiliated you to your friends and peers. I  have embarrassed you in your family's eyes. I have hurt you in your heart and in your mind. I am so sorry. Please forgive me.

I  love you. I  have always loved you. I swear to you that I  have never loved another since meeting you. I  will always love you and our daughter. I know how many empty promises I have made to you my love, but always know that they always came from a place of hope. Everything I promised was everything I had hoped to be and do for us.

This is to say I hope I have done enough. It is time now I become a family man. Not a man of the society but a private citizen with personal aspirations. I cannot keep my daughter waiting any longer. I believe now that I  am worthy of all the good that awaits
me in this world. I  have cleaned my hands and my name as my plate and I am ready to receive dear God. My heart is pure and my head is clear.

This is my rebirth. My daughter and I are now born on the same day. Happy fourth birthday my sunshine