TIME AND CHANCE
The challenges of this life can sometimes be so overwhelming that you
wonder if they were really meant for you. They are so real and personal that it
is almost impossible to think my way out of them. Pretending to be happy
doesn’t seem to ease the stress either . I know because I’ve tried it, so many
times. Smiling through it does not work for these grown up problems. It used to
when I was younger; I would just force myself to smile and my mind would
automatically shift to happy thoughts and I could feel myself relaxing.
These days I find it is only wine and Chess that seem to be making life
a little bearable. I wouldn’t recommend either to anyone with a weak heart and
a weak mind. They are both very potent and quite addictive; but they are also
very effective in helping me deal with the current state of my life, whether
separately or in combination.
I was sitting alone at home on a Tuesday and felt my head about to
explode from all the miserable thoughts that wouldn’t stop ringing. I decided
to pick up my chess set and a bottle of wine and visit one of my older friends
for a game.
“I am losing my grip on this life, man!” I said, while setting up the
chess board on his garden table under the mango tree in his front yard.
“Don’t tell me you are also considering hanging yourself?! Are you?” he
asked with some seriousness that is uncharacteristic of him. I figured he was
more curious than serious in the solemn manner of the word. He was wondering if
it was possible that old happy me could think that way.
“I have learned not to resign unless I have thoroughly considered all
possible options and determined there is no way out. I am still considering my
options but it’s quite clear that I am losing; either the queen or the game and
I feel I am running out of time.”
“Hold it right there! Don’t say another word until you have a glass with
wine in it.” He rushed into the house and came back carrying a corkscrew and
two wine glasses; he pulled the wine from my side of the table and quickly
opened it. He poured a glassful for me and poured half a glass for himself.
“You need this more” he said “what’s really going on man?”
I took a good sip and looked at him with a comforting smile, “Did I make
it sound like it was too serious? I am really sorry my friend; I didn’t mean to
get you worried. I was just talking in general, life is hard! It’s like playing
a game against Banele; you are constantly defending; dealing with problems
after problems, you don’t get any peace. You just never catch a breath to at
least plan an attack and be hopeful about something.”
I wanted to talk to him about my personal problems but felt I would be
burdening him. It’s obvious that he has his own problems to deal with judging
from the grave face his wife met me with when I was coming in.
He chuckled at the Banele reference and added “Yeah, that boy is very
dangerous. He almost made me quit chess last year. But as it turns out my
addiction is stronger than the pain of losing from him. I have made my peace
with suffering in his hands, the rest of you will have to suffer the
consequences. You know the saying ‘hurt people hurt people’ right? The
rest of you will be my victims.”
I played my first move pushing the pawn in front of the king to e4 and
solemnly asked “Do you feel like a king in your kingdom my friend?”
“I used to! In the glory days. These days I have to fight just to feel
like a man. I have to remind people that I am the man of the house. Or just a
man in the house. An angry man. That’s
worse than a pawn in my mind. Kings are not angry, they are graceful and
confident. Not me. At least not anymore. I have lost my grace. This life can be
very testing.” He pushed c5.
“You have no idea just how much I understand you my friend. I feel like
I am drained of all my strength from all this testing you are referring to. If
I don’t die this year, I am definitely going to thrive next year.” 2. Nc3
“Talk to me man, what’s eating you up?” 2…Nc6
“Its just one stress on top of another. You remember that NGO I worked
for?” 3. Bb5
“Yes, that Million touchie-touchie or something?” 3...Nf6
“That very one. Earlier this year in March they send me a letter saying
they will not be able to pay my salary for the next two months due to lack of
funding. They guaranteed that by the first of June we will resume all programs.
I made plans for the two months without income ensuring that my family has the
bare minimum they need for sustenance, assuring them that we will take care of
everything else June Month-end. They understood even though it wasn’t easy. I
have two teenage kids and a three-year-old to think of here; not forgetting my
pensioner mom who seems to be carrying the burden in this trying times.” 4.
Bxc6
“Yes, yes; and that beautiful wife of yours. Why do you leave her out?”
4…bxc6
“This woman spends so much time at her mom’s house I’m not sure I’m
allowed to call her my wife” 5. d6
“Don’t you dare speak that way. I went and paid her lobola for you
myself. That is your wife man.”5…g6
“I hear you my friend, but that is an issue for later. I need us to
discuss it as well. Now back to that Million people matter and their false
promises.
“So I return to the office on the 1st of June expecting to be
welcomed back but instead I’m told the programs funding is not in yet, they
will let me know when it is. I go back home and let the family know things are
not back to normal yet. They were obviously disappointed. My mom was obviously annoyed;
she didn’t even hide it. She asked me ‘did they tell you when it will be in,
because their letter was specific that you will be returning to work today?’
“I told her they did not and walked away. I didn’t want to get into an
emotional engagement on that issue. I didn’t want to show them I was also
disappointed lest they lose their confidence in me.” I played 6. Nge2 and took
a sip of wine to calm my nerves.
“I know what you mean.” My friend responded, “at first you had the official
backing of a letter and it was betrayed and now you only have a word of mouth
without any guarantees. That’s tough.” 6…d6
“So now I had to deal with everyone taking turns asking me if I was
going in this week or not. Each time I would call someone from the office to
check and get the same answer. June ended, then July and August. I realized
that I needed to move on so I wrote an email to the director requesting that
they help me close this chapter so that I can at least apply for my
Unemployment Insurance Fund in the meantime while trying to move on.” 7. b3
“Eish, Ja man! Even though that UIF payout would not be much but at
least it would be some income. So you are saying you have not had income since
end of March?” 7…Bg7
“Yes! Six full months. If it was not for the invitations I get to
officiate in Chess tournaments I would be all bones, depressed and maybe even abusive. Hurt people hurt people,
right?” 8. Rb1
“True. So did you end up getting that UIF?” 8…O-O
“That is the interesting part of this story. You see the old HR and
Finance officer had resigned during this period of non-payment so they had to
hire a new one. The new HR person asked me to send my contract through because
apparently she could not locate it from that small office. Which was weird but
I later figured that she only wanted to confirm if I still had it.” 9. O-O
“Why would she not be upfront with you, I don’t understand” 9…Bg4
“I learned that the UIF forms require the employer to furnish ‘reason
for termination of employment’ and they had planned to state ‘contract expired’
as they did with the other employees who had contracts. Their problem was that
my contract has no expiry date. It is a permanent employment contract thus they
would need me to resign first before we could proceed with the UIF. But they
learned I was not willing to resign, my family would kill me for that stupid
move. Guess what they did afterward?” 10. f3
“Don’t tell me they tried playing tricks on you, that can’t be right.
Playing you is playing your kids and your mother man. They cannot be that
heartless. Can they?” 10…Bd7
“Well I got a call from the director the next day after sending through
the copy of my contract. We spoke for close to an hour and this whole time she
is off-loading all of her personal financial troubles on my shoulders. She is
telling me how tough the past few months have been for her and her family. And
that time I’m wondering if she remembers that I too have a family that depends
on me.” 11. Qe1
“That shameless Woman! Is she white?” 11…a5
“No. you know her man. I came with her to your school once when we had
to sign that SLA. The one with the big eyes.” 12. a4
“Oh, that one with her model C English I attempted to promote? I should
have promoted that pawn and then sacrificed it for entertainment if she is that
callous.” 12…Qb6
“What makes you think she would allow you to promote? That woman can
afford herself man. She is not desperate for promotion. Don’t make me laugh.”
While laughing off his cocky remarks and moved 13. Kh1
He played 13…Be6 and said “Your problem is you think I attack alone when
I approach a woman. I go in with Bishops and Sangomas all at once. They cannot all
fail, can they?”
“Forget about her man, listen to what she says next on the call, she
says; ‘oh hey, you know I just realized that the contract I gave you did not
have an expiry date. That was such an amateur mistake on my part, doing things
for myself for the first time, please forgive me. All our contracts are meant
to be in line with our funding cycle and I did not fix that with yours , and
now we have run out of funding and it poses a challenge. We have had to make
some budget cuts due to our reduced funding and everybody got a pay cut, even I
got one. So our budget for your program is also significantly reduced’. At that
time, I’m wondering why it had to take her so long to tell me that. Three
months! She then has the nerve to offer me a third of my salary and then
qualifies it by saying ‘I know it is very little compared to what you were
earning but you don’t have to take it, just think about it. Just know that this
is what we can afford right now if you decided to come back’. I was defeated. I
had no words. I just told her I would think about it.” 14. Qh4
“Damn man. I’m sorry to hear that. So does she now ask you to suffer the
consequences of her mistake and be understanding? You have a permanent
employment contract and she is talking you out of it by claiming she made an amateur
mistake in drafting it?”
“That is exactly what she is asking and at that time she is getting paid
two salaries for the same job!”
“So all this time you are suffering alone inside? Don’t do that man.
This thing will eat you alive. People will think you have AIDS when its
financial stress eating you up.” 14…Rfe8
“You know the most painful part is when electricity runs low like 1.1
units remaining or even the sugar running out and the kids are no longer sure
if they should tell me or not because they know the financial situation is dire.
I used to shout at them whenever I
discover something finished when I wanted to use it, asking why didn’t anyone
say when they noticed; but now I just tuck my tail behind my legs and enjoy my
tea without sugar.” 15. Bh6
“Hahaha oh, sorry man. I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing at the
thought of a dog tucking its tail in, that’s a funny sight. Okay, if you win
this game I will give you R100. Hell I will pay you just for beating you even.”
15…Nh5
“Man, I don’t want you R100. You know I was doing a tournament last week,
so I’m okay for now. But I will take the R100 just to get another bottle of
wine.” 16. Bxg7
“But on a serious note now, what are you going to do about this Million
people?” 16…Kxg7
“What Can I do? I think that’s the better question. I have asked them to
write me a dismissal letter stating their reason for laying me off but it has
been two weeks and they still have not sent it. Maybe then I could enquire at
CCMA if they had the right to do this to me. It’s a matter of knowing what is
right and what is wrong. This just feels wrong to me, but maybe they have good
reason for doing it. Slave traders also had to throw some slaves in the ocean
to save their ships from sinking. There is no humane way to perform an inhumane
act, is there?” 17. g4
“She did her best though, softening you up with her own sob stories?
Making you feel like you were not alone? ‘we have all had to get a pay-cut.’
How much did she have to cut, this snob!” 17…Nf6
“The head needs more blood than the feet.” 18. Nf4
“The truth is for as long as you are not pursuing your own goals, you
are just a tool for someone to use in pursuing theirs; so be prepared to get
used, abused and refused! You have now been refused because they have no use
for you. Maybe they found a replacement? We are all replaceable.” 18…Qb4
“Well that is something I’m still not sure how I feel about. I found out
that they have replaced me with two of my own students. Maybe I should be
proud!” 19. Nce2
“It’s your chance to move on up to the next chapter man. Find something
that will fulfill you, generate you some income while still allowing you to
keep some control of your life.” 19…Bd7
“I need something that will help slow my death, because the past few
months have been moving very slow for me.” 20. g5
“What do you mean now?” 20…Ng8
“You don’t know the saying? ‘The faster you move, the slower you die.’?
I think I heard it from a movie.” 21. Rg1
“You know I don’t watch TV, I’m
too grown to be programmed.” 21…Qd2
“ You can never be too grown to learn from others.” 22. Rbc1
“I read, dummy. You learn more from reading than from watching TV” 22…e5!
“ Says who? There is a lot more variety of information shared on TV than
in anything you read” 23. Re1
“Information overload! Nobody really learns anything that lasts from TV.
You Know the difference between Passive learning and Active learning?” 23…exf4
“ I do” I said, suddenly realizing that I may be losing this game. I
played 24. Nxf4
“That’s where the difference is, TV can only affect how you feel about
certain issues rather than teach you how to think around them. Your emotional
faculties are more heightened than your cognitive faculties while you are
watching TV” He said and then pushed 24…d5
“Yes, I get that. That is a results of the visual effects controlling your
focus. But I’m sure it is different from watching a lecture on a certain topic,
is it not?” 25. Ng2
Just like that, the conversation had taken a new direction. I have
forgotten all my problems for the moment and I am able to entertain other
thoughts. That on its own has healing powers. I felt a cool breeze flowing
through my brain.
“It is still passive if you are just sitting and watching. It is very
easy to get distracted while watching than when reading, don’t you understand?
You know what, just forget it. Just play” 25…f5
“I get it. It is easier to get lost in your own thoughts when watching
TV than when reading, but it doesn’t mean one does not wonder off while
reading??” 26. e5
“Do you wonder off while playing Chess?” 26…Rxe5!
“Against a weaker opponent, yes!” 27. Rxe5
“Then you lack focus my boy…Check!” 27…Qxc1+
“Eish! I missed that, but that’s okay.” 28. Re1
“It is not okay my brother, you are bleeding now. You better take care
of your kids. A man without children is a man without a future, don’t you know?”
28…Qxc2
I was about to play my queen to c7, 29. Qc7 but my opponent just pointed
at the clock and smiled while shouting “Time!”
I had lost the game on time!
“I was distracted I lost track of time” I said, defending my bruised
ego. “ Let us play another one.”
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