I held my father hostage on fathers day, at gun point
just to get him to repent for all the wrongs he had done,
in my life, my mothers life, and my siblings life
i held him at gun point so he could apologise to my mother
for ever hurting her
for forcing her into,,. leaving him
i held him at gun point so he could beg for my sisters forgiveness
for not being truly her first love
for not teaching her to love
for not making her feel that she needs and deserve to be loved
i held him at gun point so he could ask for forgiveness from my brother
and truly apologise for not being his hero
so he could apologise for not setting a good example on how To Love a Woman
to make a woman feel special
for ever laying a hand on any of his wives in his presence
he had to say sorry for all of these bad examples he had set
for getting my brother to respect a man who beats woman
for doing anything he disapproves of
i had to punish him for all the pain he has caused me both directly and indirectly
for not being an inspiration to my brothers, my sisters, and myself
i held my father on gun point on fathersday to punish him for not being a good father
for not putting money aside for my brothers education, my sisters education, my education
and the education of any of his many kids
i held him at gun point so he could realise that having 14, or 15 or is it 16 now? kids with many different mothers does not help build a family bond
does not help the sibling's get-together feel better or allow for the closeness of brothers and sisters one might expect
it does not help the prospect of my future, cause now i worry 'should i make it in life, do they all now become my responsibility?'
should i become somebody, will they all line up at my gate and lay claim on my bread?
will i now have to share my success with 16 other siblings i know nothing about? i care nothing about? i have to care! maybe i do, i'm forced to they are my blood.
i'm in a situation now because of him
this gun in his head should make him feel the pain he caused me
i'm stressing now, i worry that a normal pay wouldn't be enough to cover this burden he has left me should he pass away or retire
i'm scared normal pay would not cut it for me
i am pressured to make it big and that scares me too
well i held a gun at my fathers head threatening to shoot if he does not apologise for never spending quality time with me like a son and speaking to me like some one that he truly cares about
for not looking at me in the eye and telling me how special i was
for not telling me i could be anything i wanted to be
for not looking me in the eye and say 'my son, i will support you every step of the way as long as you make the right decision of what you want in this life'
for not saying 'education is key, and confidence is crucial
and you should always know that I love you no matter what, because I am your father'
i held him at gun point, to force him to stay home with me on that special day
because as old as i am now i have never spent a full day with my father even on fathers day
so i had to hold him at gun point so he could sit with me
speak with me and hear my thoughts
so he could finally understand that i am grown up now
i can reason now. i can read now, i can write now
i am a man now
i can speak sense now daddy finally,
i feel like we could have a grown up conversation together
i can speak like a man now
i have opinions now
this is what i feel when i look at woman now
i feel like settling down now, what do you say?
when is an appropriate time to get married?
what kind of a woman do you think i need?
father what do you think of Mbeki, Zuma and Malema?
what are your thoughts on EFF, ANC
what do you think of the imminent youth take over?
because i'm aware of things like these now, i have grown
father, i love you.
i know that because you are the only father i have
the only father i know and despite all you have done and all you are
you are my father and i love you
it feels good to say that, it feels good to finally have the chance to look you in the eyes and say
daddy, i love you
father you are my super star
you are my hero
but you had never given me the chance to say that to you
never a chance for me to show you who i am
you always had your own views of me
and when ever you were away, i could hear those views from your wives
and i would just hate you for it
for one because they were always wrong
and secondly because you never took the time to get to know me
yet you discussed me with all these women
maybe if you'd spoken about me with my mama
my mummy, the only woman that knows me
that loves me unconditionally
so im holding you hostage on this day so i could speak to you
so you can get to finally know me and understand me
so i have no fear of your thoughts
so we could speak like men- man to man
i am holding you at gun point so i can claim myself from you
release my mind
release my emotions
release my heart
allow me to define me
give me my right to see myself as a man among men
you can no longer control how i feel
so i say father, give me back myself
i want to be a proud father
a loving father
a caring father
i want to be a good husband
a provider for my family
i want to be there with my family
i want to be there for my family
because I love my daughter
i love her mother
and i love you
so much that i had to risk holding you at gunpoint so i could tell you
